Tenderloin Horoscopes

by Andrea Slattery

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Look both ways before crossing the street. Chances are good that you will be mowed down by a skateboarder, thrust down an uncovered manhole, paralyzed and left to die in a sea of human filth. Better luck next time.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20: Shut up and listen. Maybe that wasn't your name that your lover just breathed. Call that "Cheaters" TV show and publicly humiliate your lover, yourself, and the other person he/she may or may not be banging.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): You're getting yourself into trouble tossing around so much free advice. Who asked you anyway??

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): You're a bit sensitive right now. Maybe you should think about cutting back on the bourbon a bit. This should also help with the incontinence problems you've been facing.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): You'll show them who boss! A metaphorical pissing contest ends badly when confronted with a public urination citation.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Stop counting your drinks and you'll have a bit more fun. Eventually you be able master the art of the back-flip... don't forget to stick your feet on the landing.

Libra (September 23 - October 22): Get off your ass and clean your apartment. It's not a science experiment unless there is some method of recording the data. Gross.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Go ahead and indulge yourself in the pleasures of the flesh. Your lovely "companion" isn't that expensive, and will be gentile if you want.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Get your groove on the move. That pole won't dance around itself and stuff dollars into your g-string.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): If you keep tooting how great you are, maybe one day you'll believe it. That girl puking on your shoe surely does. One question remains... Do you still sleep with her?

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): You will soon receive bad news. Your friends might feel bad for you, if you hadn't been such an elitist asshole lately.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Cool and collected, the world is smiling back at you. No, wait! Stop staring at yourself in the mirror.