Ask a Bartender
by Joe Mother Fucking Lee (JMFL)
Well, it's been a little over a year now that I've been scratching out this column. It's been nice to find my voice, clarify my thoughts, and give my career choice a pat down. I have come to realize, this column is not enough to educate the nit-witz. It seems to me, a good number of you have forgotten a very simple thing when attending a bar: common sense. I highly suggest you all—and I mean allmdash;pick up this book: The Dim Light Bar Guide by local artist/bartender/personality, Jack Yaghubian. You can get it at City Lights in North Beach, or for those who only make it to North Beach for your toilet, sperm bank, and vomitorium, you can get one online: Dim Light Bar Guide.
Mr. Yaghubian and I have many the same thoughts on the issue of how one should behave in a bar. We've exchanged stories, theories, and have in fact, quoted each other in our writings. In fact, my likeness is in this book. Can you find me? Many BT's (one of Jack's acronyms) dream of a day when you could only enter a bar once you have read this book in it's entirety and passed an exam. It would make our jobs so much easier, and you'd all get your drinks a hell of a lot faster.
I also think it is time for me to drop this over used pen name of mine. When I was first asked to do this column, I was concerned that my employer would not want my writings representing the bar. I don't know if they felt that way or not, but I was on thin ice and didn't want to create any more fissures. I have since moved on and really don't give a shit anymore. So I am Marc M. no more. From now on I'll use my acronym nick name, JMFL, for Joe Mother Fucking Lee, a name bestowed upon me by friends. To quote a coworker, "One does not give himself/herself their nickname".
God I know allot of people with nick names... Let's see... There is: Jack the Hat, Eyeball, The Wiz, Make out Mike, K-Dog, Happy Todd, Tea bag, Eyepatch, The Prez, Good Times, Turlock, G Love, Jerry Bad Things, Cowboy, E-Rock, Egon, Vitamin, Pass-the-bowl, Tow Truck, Pig Fucker, Tulip, Dutch, Waterfall, Slim, Boots, Tink, Veruca, Big Daddy, Spongaigh, Spark Plug, Diamond D, Whiskey Pills, MCA, Yatzee, Crusty, Goo, Pleather, Big, Tex Elbow, Stinky, That Fat Bitch Mia, Bon Pantalones, Bad Monkey, Hard Body, Frankus, Insaney, Princess... God, it could go on forever. Reading over the names, it reads like a clown Mafia, yes?
Anyway, to your questions...
Dear JMFL,
New in town and been hanging out at this bar more and more. Think I'm on pretty good terms. Then some buddies are in town so I took them here and left MAD tip on this one round (was feeling "expansive"). So then this chick walks in, props her tits on the bar and the guy gives her a free drink. Never mind I've been dropping mad cash here all night. This chick walks in with her tits and drinks for free! What's the protocol in this town? Who are you more likely to comp a drink? Someone who tipped you well for the last round or a big tittied broad?
Sincerely, All I Want is a Budweiser
Bud-Man, or Woman?
Jesus, I get a lot of these questions. You all have got to stop obsessing about getting a free drink. Spending a lot of money and tipping fat just to get one free drink seems a little irrational. Do you need the free drink to stroke your ego? Your tip amount should be a reflection of the service you're receiving, not a desperate cry for a freebie. BT's comp specific people for specific reasons. I'll comp a punter who's been buying rounds and rounds for his buddies. It's a way to say, "I see what your doing." I'll comp to keep the pretty girls at the bar, first cause they're easy on the eye's, but also, pretty girls attract men, who drink more the longer they stay. I'll comp people in the industry, it's a tradition, we comp each other, in turn, we leave huge fucking tips. (A BT will order a beer and shot, I'll charge for the shot, comp the beer, and they leave somewhere between 5 and 20 bucks for me. When I go to a bar I'll leave the same, on every order. Do the math. I swear there has got to be hundreds of thousands of dollars out there that just gets passed around. No one owns it, it just keeps circulating.) Also, I'll comp to "set the hook". If someone is having a good time and being pleasant, I'll comp a drink or two. 75% of the time, they'll be back with more friends. I'll also comp the first customer who uses "Please" and "Thank you" on a shift. Positive reinforcement. If you're truly on good terms, a comp will come your way. But, really, don't be so consumed with it. You're there to have fun and blow off some steam.
JMFL
Dear JMFL,
I was at this bar recently and this chick dragged me into the bathroom. Man, it was hot. Huge tits, great ass, next to nothing on, and then WHAM!!! All the sudden she says "You're a GUY!!?!?" and smacks me and storms out! Man it was fucked up. Can a girl really get so drunk she mistakes a dude for a CHICK or should I should be questioning my sexuality right now? So what if I wear a pink shirt. What the hell was that bitch about? WTF???
Sincerely, I Heart Bitches
Dear Bitch Lover,
I'm assuming you are of the "hipster" coalition. Let me guess: tight pink shirt, your little sister's pants, shaggy, greasy hair cut. Sans the beard? Were you wearing a hanky around your neck as well? Your group is known for its ridiculous lack of fashion sense and the amazing ability to annoy, pretty much, every bartender I know. You don't know how to drink, your drink choice's are sophomoric, and you make lousy drunks. My gay-dar is damn good, but I have a bit of trouble telling the difference between a whiny, effeminate hipster and a nancy boy fag. Are you gay? Probably. Not why I'm here. It sounds like you wrote to the wrong columnist. Try Dan Savage and buy some "grown up" pants.
JMFL
Dear JMFL
"What do you do when your bar gets popular with annoying people?"
Unsigned.
Think you've got it bad, you can always grab your cash and go somewhere else. Having to work in it, well, we're pretty much stuck there. Avoid the busy nights, stick to early days of the week, Sun thru Wed. Or, get there early, with your crew, and take over one end of the bar. Every bar I have worked in, has this spot. I call it, "The Disfunction Junction". It is time tested and works. Even if just a couple of ya get there, eye the spot. When a seat vacates, grab it, your in. slowly you will get "The Junction" under your control. Pretty soon you've got 4 or 5 barstools occupied, and probably that many more of your friends gathered around your sanctorius refuge. Be sure to take care of your BT, don't make them run around too much, order as a collective, having your drinks in one organized mass, ie, 2 jack and cokes, vodka tonic, vodka soda, mandarin and orange (booze first, then mixer!), 3 PBR's a Chimay (bottles together, drafts together) and 9 shots of Jamie (shots at the end, so the BT has the option of joining you, maybe even bring the rest of the staff in on the fun.). Have the money ready, before the BT is ready to take it. The key is not to let your collective bog them down. If done correctly, the BT will let you know if "The Junction" is becoming available, or might even save a stool for you. So, try that, or fuck off to another bar....
JMFL
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