Issue 4: Vacations On The Edge of Paradise

Vacations On The Edge Of Paradise

(Including a LIST of "DON'T MISS Attractions"!!!)

by Veronica Linh

Although San Francisco is often considered the cultural mecca of the West Coast--the true reasons this City is so grand often go unnoticed. The seven-mile wonder is full of history--Tony Bennett left his heart here; the Grateful Dead lost their heads here. Most tourists look to their aging travel agents for "exciting" vacation packages or go online to see if they can score a packaged deal by taking a red-eye (with ten transfers) and staying in bland, khaki-colored Courtyard Marriott (continental breakfast - cold eggs, so yummy!). They all wind up experiencing San Francisco's cheesiest sights, and doing the same, boring ativities. Nothing says "STUPID TOURIST" more than an "I Escaped from Alcatraz" sweatshirt, the mandatory trolley ride down Powell Street, and eating some form of white, coagulated soup that some dude at Fisherman's Wharf tried to pass as chowder. The "hipper" tourists often get misled by myopic bloggers, Yelpers from the Mission, and their old college friends who now have the Marina dialed in.

Thankfully, there is a remedy to this sad situation - Tenderloin Tours. Our purpose is simple - to provide visitors to this fine city a true glimpse into local life. Most residents of San Francisco know that the Tenderloin is already well on it's way to becoming one of the City's hot spots - the next Hayes Valley, (dare we say it) Mission or even South Beach - but the 'Loin's still in that sweet embryonic stage where it's still developing and is misunderstood. In fact, the wealth of excitement that one can experience in the TL is overwhelming! Here are just a few examples of what can be found within our soiled streets:

Don't-Miss Attractions

1. Dance Clubs - featuring the most exotic in dance moves, and the hottest in hyphy club music, the 'Loin is home to several infamous establishments, guaranteed to give you a good time or your money back. A perfect place for an intimate date, Mitchell Brothers O'Farrell Theatre offers Private Cabanas, and for those feeling a bit filthy after their long travels, the dancers have "The Shower Show," where complimentary wet naps are handed at the door. On a cheaper budget? No problem! Head down the street to the New Century Theatre on Larkin and Geary, for a more urban vibe. You can get $5 off the entrance fee if you bring a box of condoms or, if you're daring, agree to participate in a dance off with one of the staff. Insider's Note: For those on a really tight budget, try hanging out around the park on Larkin in between O'Farrell and Geary ... for a half-smoked cigarette, you can probably get your own private show with one of the neighborhoods trained performers.

2. Antique Sales - the streets of the 'Loin are one of the best places to go antiquing. Need one Manolo Blahnik fuck-me pump, a VHS tape of the Goonies, a plastic 49ers cup full of home-made ambrosia salad and a stuffed bear with one eye missing? You've come to the right place - in fact, you've come to the right neighborhood because these wares are sold on every single corner. You can find these items - and many more - every afternoon from 3pm until the last item is sold. Pennies accepted, and some vendors may barter for leftovers.

3. Fine Dining - Geary Street is the bustling gourmet ghetto that runs through the Tenderloin. Try our signature Tastes of the Tenderloin walking tour, as we stroll down Geary Street, home to both Domino's Pizza and Pizza Hut. From falafels to Vietnamese sandwiches, from Thai House Express to Tommy's Joint, Geary Street is like the United Nations of the 'Loin. Try to book the tour on a Wednesday, when you can get a free hot dog at watering hole Whiskey Thieves' Weenie Wednesdays.

4. Art - Forget White Walls and the Shooting Gallery, the true artwork can be found on the sidewalks. The Tenderloin has been home to modern artists exploring their use of new materials. One of the most interesting installations is the Rorschach Splatter project, found sporadically against the sides of buildings and dripping down to the ground (materials used for this project are unknown, but it is rumored that they may be organic). The amazing aspects of this installation include the randomness with which it appears, the different states that it appears in (some installations are dry, and appear to be earlier works, while others appear to be clearly new, as the medium retains a moist and gooey consistency), and the range in color that the art appears in. The artist (or artists) prefer to remain unnamed.

5. Fashion - Although the white belts and asymmetrical hair cuts of 2006 have since lost their hip status, denizens of the Tenderloin are always fashion-forward with their accessories. From designer shopping carts to the latest in hypodermic needles, the Crackhead Couture look really got started from within the dark alleys of the Tenderloin. The shops in the Tenderloin are usual stocked up with the latest crack pipe models, but it's sometimes good to call ahead on one of those pre-paid disposable phones.

If that isn't enough, you can just say no to shelling out the dough for a six-hour tour of Alcatraz - the 'Loin's got the real deal in criminality for free! The amazing tour of famous and infamous Tenderloin thugs is a 24-hour affair. No two days are ever the same - you can come again the next day if you missed out on the tranny fist fight or if your car did not get broken into as planned. If you were in the mood to drop some serious scrilla on Teatro ZinZanni's dinner and theatre extravaganza, you can double down on this vacation by carrying food down the streets as you are on the look out for the next action segment on crime in our great City. You will have an intimate experience with the interactive theatre of the streets. Disposable cameras can be purchased to document the time you spend on these hard streets (we suggest the vendors on O'Farrell Street as opposed to Eddy Street), although we strongly suggest that you inspect the camera and wear gloves before touching the plastic. Best of all, no ferry boat ride is necessary!

To book your guided Tenderloin Tour, just Email Tenderloin Tours - or, if you're feeling daring, just wander past Polk Street and explore our unsung wonders on your own.