SUPERVISOR BLASTS NEWSOM OVER CUTTING PUBLIC HEALTH BUDGET
BUT LETS FOCUS ON THE IMPORTANT THINGS:
NEWSOM'S POTENTIAL DRUG ABUSE...
by Nelson Hernandez
In a fantastic display of political slander, Chris Daly accuses Gavin Newsom of being a snow snorting, powder blowing, Turk & Taylor frequent buyers club, cocaine addict. Well, he didn't accuse him exactly in those words perhaps, but since were trying to sell papers here we'll just say he accused him for all intents and purposes. My apologies to the three readers out there that actually look for proper journalism in our major media outlets, but "Supervisor accuses Mayor of not denying that he's a junkie", just sounds outright awkward. As demonstrated in the new hit Fox game show, it turns out most adults are not smarter than a 5th grader, and if we don't have headlines that are easy to comprehend, the news just gets ignored all together. Hence, the recent upsurge in media outlets such as The Daily Show, it's political counterpart The Cobert Report, The Onion, and of course our beloved Loins Mouth.
My ranting about the idiotic major media reporters is a digression from the important issue here: Where does Daly get off accusing Newsom of snorting the sour sugar? This is the Wizard, uh, I mean Mayor of our fine city we are talking about here. You can't just go making accusations of adultery, alcohol abuse, and drug addictions every chance you get. Oh, well, uh... just because two of three are true doesn't mean you can go around shouting things that are likely 100% true but not confirmed--not without a registered and certified artistic license. I checked, and Daly has no artistic license on file with the city. Have you forgotten the fundamental laws that govern our fine municipality? All activities within San Francisco require a city issued license - we couldn't initiate even half of the Wizard's Grand Plan if we didn't require licenses for almost any activity such as body massages, hair cutting, and political slandering. Perhaps, just perhaps, if Daly paid for his artistic slander license, then Newsom wouldn't need to cut his precious health funding that effects primarily only District 6.
Moreover, as the hoity-toity capital of the US, slander must also be done tastefully and not so obviously that every day voters can comprehend and relate to your frustrations. There is no room for shouting out your opinions at a public meeting for every reporter to notate on and distribute across the press. The press is not here for politicians to manipulate so that people might actually realize that Newsom is cutting health care funding in order to support such initiatives as city funded free internet. Newsom said it best about Daly: "This guy is against the internet, can you believe it?" Daly just has to face the fact that if the people were satisfied with the free internet available at every coffee shop, hotel, and laundromat throughout Oz, than Newsom wouldn't be slashing healthcare and rehab programs in favor of free porn-surfing during lunch breaks. After all, by a show of hands, how many tourists do you think are going to use the healthcare and rehab facilities in the city? And how many are going to use the internet while on vacation? (Authors Note: Migrant workers and transient drug users do not count as tourists in this instance.)
Lastly, there is no room for Daly's displays of human emotion among our highly ethical elected officials (Ed Jew and Newsom outstanding). The Mayor has certainly never slandered anyone in an election campaign, I'm sure. Newsom responded to Daly's drug accusation with: "I have never seen an elected offcial during a legislative session take this kind of cheap shot". You tell 'em Newsom. In my humble opinion, Daly should take a lesson from Newsom's upstanding behavior and keep his backstabbing to the janitor's closet of city buildings and among his own political aides--not out in public where the people who elected him can hear his outright discontent for the Mayor's policies.
Author: Nelson Hernandez
Artistic License #: 314159
Expiration: August 1st, 2005