LISTMANIA!!!!

Man, there's nothing like a truly pointless list to pump up your readership! Other publications write sappy articles about "politics" or "local events", but let's face it: these publications are boring. Who cares about politics? LISTS ARE THE FUTURE!

As a testament to our awesome list-making abilities, we've searched far and wide to bring you this incomparable list of the people and places that make our city so grand. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed writing it! PARTY ON!!

Best Local Paper to Line Your Bird Cage With: The SF Bay Guardian

As it turns out, there were lots of contenders in this category, but the SF Bay Guardian takes the cake! In case you don't have a bird cage, here are just a few of the other things you can do with the SFBG:

1. Paper mache! --You can totally do AWESOME paper mache with the SFBG.

Check out this photo! → → →

2. Browse the concert listings (For real. This might be the only legitimate use of the SFBG.)

3. Read the excellent articles (Okay, not really... haha)

4. Laugh your ass off with Dan Savage's awesome column (Oh wait, that's the SF Weekly - Our bad!)

5. Wipe your ass! (Or your nose or really anything for that matter - Does anyone read the SF Bay Guardian?)

As tempting as it is to go on and on about the super-absorbent awesomeness that is the SF Bay Guardian (and believe us, it's tempting) we felt it prudent to give you a few more totally unbiased tips about other stuff you can do or see in the SF Bay Area. After all, there are so many freaking outrageous things around here that it's hard to know where to begin!

LET'S START HERE:

Best Liquor Store on 6th Street: Reds
Yeah, there are lots (and we mean LOTS) of liquor stores on 6th Street - but few stand out... Okay, actually none of them stand out... Reds, however, has the most memorable name, so therefore, we gave them the prize. Congratulations, guys!

Best Place to Hail a Cab:
Mitchell Brothers Theater Dude. Do we even need to explain this? First of all, not only does this place have the hottest strippers in the SF area, but from what we understand, they WILL blow you for a nominal amount of cash. Don't believe us... ?

Best Local Ice Cream Parlor: Cole Hardware
Yeah, we bet you expected us to say Mitchell's Ice Cream! Well, HA! We sure fooled you! Plus, the fact is (whether you like it or not), some businesses have large fan bases who are dedicated to voting for their favorites, and we're positive that if we'd counted any votes this year that Cole Hardware would have won this contest fair and square. All you local ice cream parlors can PISS OFF!

Best Zine Published in San Francisco that is NOT Operated by a Major International Porn Conglomerate: Specious Species
Never heard of Specious Species? Well, that's because it's a "zine". A "zine" for those of you who don't know (listen up!) is a small, locally published, independent, DIY publication. Specious Species is put out by our favorite writer/cab driver, Joe Donohoe. Check out his short story on page 22, and stay tuned for Specious Species Issue No. 2!

Best Local Writer/Cab Driver: Joe Donohoe
Not sure why we decided to give Joe more than one prize... This shit isn't fair at all!

Best Mission Bar to See Bands Without Hipster Attitude: Thee Parkside
Is Thee Parkside even in the Mission or is it kind of in Potrero Hill? I guess we could have researched this better, but to be honest, it turned out we didn't care. (Plus, we've never been to the Mission...)

Best Local Pizza: Pitfire Pizza (North Hollywood, CA)
Yeah, yeah, yeah... A lot of you will probably say that Pitfire Pizza isn't local and that there are tons of great pizza places in the city (like Little Star on Divisadero), but you know what? Pitfire IS local - to L.A. Take THAT, Suckers!!!!!!

Best Street: Cedar Alley (Between Geary, Post, Polk and Van Ness)
Why Cedar Alley? Well, why NOT? Plus, if you've ever been there, you know you've seen A LOT of outrageous shit. Check out Rachel M.'s interview with Cervantes on page 20 for more info!

Best Public Restroom (Indoors): Hilton Hotel Union Square
Nobody could possibly keep track of guests in a place that size. Take our word for it, and check out their publicly accessible restrooms in the lobby and restaurant areas. (Open late!)

Best SF Neighborhood: The Marina (pronounced "muh-rye-nuh")
Spaghetti straps and baseball caps! How can you possibly go wrong? Okay, just kidding. The Marina sucks.

Best SF Neighborhood That Doesn't Suck: The Tenderloin
Yeah, we're a little biased. So what? WE LOVE THIS GOD DAMNED NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!

Best Non-Existent Mexican Restaurant in Chinatown: Taco Stand
Never heard of Taco Stand? That's because it doesn't exist! Seriously though, not only do we think it's a great idea, but if anyone is willing to open a restaurant named Taco Stand, we're willing to make up a dumb category and include it in next year's issue. (We hear their huevos rancheros are out of this world!)

Best Place to Mug People Camping Out to Buy Shoes: Huf Shoes (808 Sutter)
Have you seen the way kids camp out in front of this store??!! It's crazy!!! Plus, we're assuming they're all high, making them the perfect target for unsavory characters. CHECK IT OUT!!! (Not that there are any unsavory characters reading our publication...)

Best Mural of Whales/Sharks: The Alley Behind Mitchell Brothers Theater
Who wouldn't want to get a hummer here? We are sooo going there as soon as we finish writing this!

Hottest Bartender in the TL: Cesar at Whiskey Thieves (839 Geary Street)
No, Cesar did not beg us to be the hottest bartender in the Tenderloin. No, we do not have a crush on him. No, he did not give us free drinks and smooth talk us, and no, we're not dying to have sex with him. Cesar won this contest fair and square! Why can't you people understand that?!?

Best Local Hot Dog:
According to our friend, Kristy, the hot dog pictured here below is absolutely the best hot dog she has ever eaten. Unfortunately, not only do we not remember where she got it, but she didn't bother to share it with us. I guess we'll just have to take her word for it!

Best Excuse to Go to the Sunset: The Buccaneer
Okay, so technically The Buccaneer is in Russian Hill, but once you get north of California Street, what's the difference? This is by far the best place to cop a feel on a Friday night if you feel so inclined. (I mean, seriously: Even straight girls love tits!!!)

Hottest Bike Messenger Company: Godspeed
Man, this was a tough category. For one thing there is a seriously hot guy at Cupid Courier. Not to mention, one of our staff members is personal friends with pretty much the entire staff at No BS and has personally slept with a variety of guys at Legal Beagle. In the end, however, Godspeed has its own bike racing team and a totally dope clubhouse. ROCK ON!

Best 5 Star Restaurant: Who Cares?
Is Boulevard a better restaurant than Aqua? Is Aqua a better restaurant than Fleur de Lys? ...Inquiring minds don't care!

Second Best Thai Restaurant: Whiskey Thieves (839 Sutter)
Okay, so Whiskey Thieves isn't really a Thai restaurant. For some reason we think this is funny...

Best Large Red Bridge: ... Unfortunately, it turned out there were no large red bridges in the Bay Area. We're thinking of eliminating this category in next year's issue.

...Alright, that's it for our "Best of" Awards, but there are plenty of other lists coming up in the following pages, so READ ON

LISTS FREAKING RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Back To Top ↑