Hostel Territory

by Tookie Sanchez
With Charles the Heckler and Rachel M.

The word "hostel" can mean any number of things to the uninitiated. Usually it inspires bad puns and worse horror movie references. Many Americans think that a hostel is a hotel with an 's' in it, which means they hang up on me as soon as I say the word dormitory. Cheap, communal living to them is the first step down a rocky road which ends in tongue piercing and group sex. These are the same people that think the "Tenderloin" is a cut of meat. Suckers.

But you here, holding this magazine, you look like someone with a thirst for adventure. Maybe you've done some backpacking or you do it bareback (call me). Cool people know your local youth hostel is the best place in town for a cheap bed, a good story and hot foreign ass. And you know that this is the premier neighborhood for low income housing and personable drug addicts. So what comes to mind when I say "Tenderloin Hostel Hopping Bonanza!"?

That's right: Why put a hostel in the Tenderloin? Well, genius, you don't make a lot of money off Swedish hippies, and real estate is cheap here. We were able to find two hostels within the T.L. proper, and five others in the greater Tendernob. All seven exemplified that sought-after mixture of haphazard and exotic, but a few stood out. In the interest of professionalism, I analyzed the savvy of my colleagues at the front desk, leaving the actual reviewing to neutral third parties.

HOSTEL #1: Globe Trotters Inn at 225 Ellis Street

This used to be the Irish hostel, where all the J-1 students stayed in the summer. Now they're flocking to the East Bay instead. As the meanest stretch of Ellis is bookended by my hostel and the GT, I felt I should ask Yuri what he told his guests about the neighborhood. He gave me one of those impartial Russian stares that made me feel like a bug. I awarded him ten points for not being a pussy, but we both know there can be only one. So if their end of the street is so great, why do they need the cannabis club style CCTV/ door buzzer system? Get outta my hood beeatch!

RACHEL: Didn't pay attention. Too busy picking up pamphlets for the other more exotic hostels. Whoever Tookie was talking to seemed nice though—especially considering we totally lied to him about what we were doing there. haha

CHARLES: This place is much better during tourist season when it is filled with hot and slutty kiwi and Australian girls that have just spent three weeks traveling east across America with their idiot friends and are craving cock before flying home at the end of their school break.

HOSTEL #2: Hostelling International Downtown at 312 Mason Street

I like to come down here and bullshit with their morning guy because he has a big red biker beard. The girl working when we came in seemed like she couldn't care less if we were from a newspaper or NAMBLA, though. People think that they're better off here, on the edge of the 'Loin. The truth is that Union Square bums are professionals so they're much more aggressive than ours. Which would you rather be annoyed by: a listless crackhead or a tenacious grifter with a marionette?

CHARLES: Crappy service seems to be a theme here. I paid fifty dollars for a room and couldn't even get a handjob from the other nerds that were staying there. Timid travelers only; ply your trade in more adventurous locales!

RACHEL: Dude. My friend John worked here for like 5 years until they fired him for stealing money from the safe! It was such a lie, too! If you've ever met John then you know he's a huge fucking dork and there's NO WAY he'd ever be cool enough to steal anything! (Just kidding, John's awesome... Plus, he did tell me he was in a threesome once, so who knows…)

HOSTEL #3: Union Square Backpackers at 70 Derby Street

These peeps get a zero out of zero for leaving the front desk attended by a little bell and a sign that says, "Please Ring Bell." Right, I will, as soon as I'm finished raping some Asian teenagers. Boo!

RACHEL: We literally wandered all the way upstairs without seeing anyone. (Homeless in the TL take note: Free room and board!)

CHARLES: It shares an alley with my favorite massage parlor in the TL, Les Nuits de Paris, where you can also meet friendly foreigners.

HOSTEL #4: The Adelaide Hostel at 5 Isadora Duncan Lane

These kids know their stuff. I finally had the Shady Sense conversation with a long-haired hottie who's a fellow senior on the front desk scene.

Me: "You can tell after a while, it's almost like a bad smell, you know, like the ones who walk in and right away start complaining that everyone up till now has ripped them off. Too much bad luck for one person. Shaaaady. You know they'll be downstairs at 2 am saying that aliens stole their shower shoes and that we're to blame."

Him: "Absolutely. Or the people who are like too friendly. They come in and give you a bottle of wine before you even get their names and act like you're their best friend or something right away because they don't want to drink alone."

Both of us: "Freaks."

We shared a moment of silent understanding before I had to go. I forgot his name though, dammit.

CHARLES: The girl at the front desk was also hot. I'm thinking about moving here when my lease is up.

RACHEL: Uh… Can I maybe throw a party in your giant living room? This place is POSH!!!

HOSTEL # 5: Hostelling International City Center 685 Ellis Street

I can say for certain that the staff here knows their shiznit. All prejudices aside, it's a great place. Private bathrooms for every room, wifi, kick-ass architecture, free breakfast, and the hot girl who works mornings is a total slut who will do you if you fake a Scottish accent. You can even tell her it's a fake; she won't care. No public restrooms though!!!

RACHEL AND CHARLES: Couldn't be bothered to stop by, so I talked to myself for a half hour.

HOSTEL #6: USA Hostel at Sutter Street

Turns out the guy working the desk here got fired from my hostel way back in the bad ol' days. I quizzed him on your basic attitude and junkie identification skills, but he was more interested in talking about how he was going to open his own hostel in a few years, and how this job is just "research." That kind of reminds me of how I would sit in front of the television in college telling myself I would write my paper on the postmodern deconstruction of a Wendy's commercial. How do you think I ended up here? Tell the truth dude, we know you're in it for the Scandinavian booty.

CHARLES: The guy at the desk is so friendly and helpful he'll probably set you up with a date if you reserve on the internet and play shuffleboard with him. Saw a kid playing a psp in the lobby. Faggot.

RACHEL: The guy at the front desk totally insulted my same friend John's old roommate for like NO REASON. (Then again, he WAS the only guy we talked to who'd actually heard of our paper, so naturally I would totally fuck him.)