The Tenderloin Scientology Invasion of 2006!

San Francisco, CA (AP) On Tuesday, authorities arrested local building manager, Hassad Leonard Hernandez, on suspicion of harboring Scientologist infiltrators from the Upper Loin. Although initial accounts are hazy, according to government sources, a recent rise in Scientologist related violence has caused increasing concern among residents. "No, I don't wanna take a m*thaf*ckin stress test!!" recounts one angry Tenderloin resident.

Although, it remains unclear exactly why the Scientologist community has become interested in our erudite oasis, a string of recent incidents has kept otherwise peaceful locals constantly on guard. Several weeks ago, a laundrymat employee recalls being accosted on his way to work:

"I tell you, it's a form of terrorism! Just the other day I was on my way to work at the local laundry mat-you know, the one that specializes in sausage and icecream when I was suddenly accosted at the corner of Leavenworth and Ellis by a couple of fascist Scientologists! If that isn't terrorism, then by God, I don't know what is!"

"Who are these people?" asks street merchant, Marge Jansen, at Turk and Hyde. "Why don't they go back to Taylor and Sutter and leave us alone?"

Why indeed?

Local members of the Tenderloin Resistance Movement have begun holding underground meetings in an attempt to stop the violence at its core.

"I dare these people to come into our neighborhood," states an anonymous Tenderloin Resistance Leader and Marijuana club owner. "These people are a threat to our Tenderloin way of life!"

And just what is the Tenderloin way of life? The right to drink 40's of malt liquor in broad daylight? The right to smoke crack at the corner of Eddy and Jones-which is still technically in the Tenderloin despite it's being the site of a local police station?

"By God, yes!" exclaims good-natured local pharmacist, Dr. Jay. "That's all we have! You take those rights away and you might as well start hanging public urination tickets on us like they do in the Mission! Sometimes I feel like we're watching our rights literally erode away before our very eyes!"

How to Spot a Scientologist:

According to a detailed 53-page report released by City Hall last week, Scientologists are said to be mammals, often homosapiens, frequently bi-pedal and generally carry weapons such as printed copies of Dianetics and/or tommy guns. Although it is possible to confuse them with a variety of other species, faceless persons wearing pressed slacks are usually a good indicator. If you're uncertain whether you may be approaching a Scientologist, however, move cautiously toward them and smack them in the head with a blunt object. DO NOT WAIT FOR THE POLICE TO ARRIVE.

Concerned residents have begun formulating strategies to control the Scientology population before it gets out of hand. One such measure would introduce legislation making it illegal to own or breed Scientologists within the Tenderloin proper. Upon passing, suspected Scientologists would be captured, transported to 4th and Mission, terminated and buried beneath Yerba Buena Gardens. Alternatively, another bill suggests building a moat around the perimeter of the neighborhood (although it is unlikely that this latter measure will pass due to confusion about the area's boundaries).

How Can YOU Help?

Due to the wide variety of Scientology related measures on the ballot this voting season, we recommend passing Proposition HD6, which would require all Scientologists to wear colorful Hot-Dog-on-a-Stick uniforms. Not only would this measure allow for ease of identification, but it would be relatively inexpensive and would provide valuable entertainment for both residents and non-residents alike. A submeasure to this proposition would allocate additional funds to build a new propaganda landfill in the Marina (which is essentially a giant landfill anyway). And just in case you need that extra incentive to get yourself to the polls--part of the money will go to a raging celebration to be held at McLaren Park!

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