TENDERLOIN POLICE BLOTTER

5:38PM Monday: Officers apprehended a 42 year old woman at the corner of Geary and Leavenworth in possession of a stolen GPS device. Disoriented suspect claimed she was "trying to get out of the Tenderloin."

1:42PM Tuesday: Man on 900 block of Larkin placed call to 911 indicating he had awoken to discover an unknown man in his living room. Police arrived at 3pm and apprehended a 57 year old male who claimed he was "Waiting for his friend." Suspect was cited for loitering.

6:30PM Tuesday: An all officers bulletin was issued to be on lookout for a middle aged man in a white shirt and black tie. Man was alleged to have ties to a local Scientology faction accused of forcing paperback copies of Dianetics into the esophageal canals of various local residents. Man was later arrested near the corner of Geary and Market and promptly executed.

12:51AM Wednesday: Merchant reported empty glass bottle had been lobbed through entryway of local convenience store. Bottle was apparently destroyed upon impact with customer and assailant was accused of misdemeanor "run-by bottling." Officers arrived at the scene and cited merchant for failure to remit 15cent crv.

2:27PM Wednesday: Curator of a student gallery on Sutter Street reported "grand theft" of several works of "fine art." Upon recovery and inspection, claim was determined to be erroneous.

5:56PM Thursday: Police arrived at Civic Center BART Station to discover bearded man singing "No Woman, No Cry." Hippie was incarcerated for felony cliché.

11:58PM Friday: Police received phone call from tourist distraught over man using intravenous narcotics near the corner of Geary and Taylor. Woman was advised to stop wasting valuable police resources and cross Taylor in the direction of Mason Street.

8:00PM Saturday: Residents at Eddy and Leavenworth placed 911 call to report that chicken tikka masala was severely below par. Officers reluctantly responded to determine source of food to be a Valencia street tandoori stand. Callers were cited for violation of city code 6.24 G which mandates all Indian food in the Tenderloin be procured from Naan and Curry, Shalimar, or Pakwan.

11:48PM Saturday: A taxicab was towed from the 500 block of Polk Street for allegedly transporting Mission hipsters to Hemlock Tavern. The vehicle was reportedly impounded, and the driver's cab license was revoked. The hipsters' whereabouts are unknown.

6:38PM Thursday: According to witnesses, an unidentified group of San Franciscans allegedly dumped large quantities of extremely low-grade newspapers at the corner of 14th and Valencia. Witnesses described suspects as being "shockingly attractive and well-dressed." Suspects are believed to be still at large.