In Search of the Tenderloin
The Tenderloin. Mythical wasteland. Set of filming for "Escape from New York." Home to the beloved Turk and Taylor Cabbage Patch. Most diverse and dense part of San Francisco. For over 100 years, "The TL" has been a mystery to most, a home to many, and a muse to some. Over the years its mystery has unfurled, slowly. With every TIC conversion, relocation of Naan and Curry or wheelchair-shooting, a piece of the Tenderloin puzzle becomes uncovered, revealing just what exists beyond the respectable postcard of San Francisco known to tourists. Through this all, however, a key question has gone unanswered for far too many years:
Just where is the TL, anyway?
As one might imagine, the answer is complex, and there is no one answer. The Tenderloin is really many places, crushed together--two blocks up one hill or just around the corner you may find a completely different world.
Luckily, we recently received a commission from local authorities to send an expedition to this region. Fortified with 27 Wagons, supplies for 2 years, a coterie of squaws, two Indian guides (one Cherokee, one Apache), our findings are as follows:
General: The "Tenderloin" area stretches broadly from Mason Street to Van Ness Avenue, reaching as far north as Pine Street, as far south as Market and in some areas further still. For the first time, we have finally identified these key subregions with swell little maps in an effort to help you in your exploration (or avoidance) of the area:
Le Shank. A here-to-fore unknown part of the city reveals itself when you take the wrong Cable Car to the end of the line. Located between Polk to the west and Leavenworth to the east, Pine to the north and Bush to the south, Le Shank appears to consist primarily of Section 8 housing, French settlements and weird-smelling shops, bars and restaurants. It is not for the faint of heart. In our journeys we discovered signs of pure savagery intermingled with bourgeosie cafe’s. We rented two apartments at unbelievably low prices while passing through. They didn’t even check our credit!
Tenderloin Heights. The most threatened of the Greater TL neighborhoods. It is bordered roughly by Leavenworth to the west, Mason to the east, Bush to the north and Geary to the south. This region appears to receive its character through its geography. Strategically situated along the southern edge of the infamous Knob Hill, it is protected from the Great Northern Yuppie Hordes due to their inability to traverse the great slopes of Jones or Taylor streets in their well-heeled shoes. Similarly it stays tantalizingly out of reach to the characteristically asthmatic or shopping-cart laden denizens of the Tenderloin proper immediately to its south. TL Heights, when viewed through the lens of its borders, is a microcosm of America. Immediatley across its southern border one finds great filth, inequality and desperation. Immediately to its north one finds great wealth yet in an utterly boring destination. On both the east and west shores lay great oceans, or, similarly, neighborhoods barely worth mentioning.
The Tenderloin Proper. The easiest of neighborhoods to distinguish, the TL Proper lies smack in the middle of the Greater Tenderloin region. Much like Piedmont it identifies itself by changing the colors of the sidewalks when you’ve crossed into its territory. For the theoretical adventurers, TL Proper can be found north of Market Street and south of Geary between Polk and Taylor. Our explorers are too terrified to elaborate on what they found there. (But then again, our explorers are pussies.)
The Lori’s Fucking Diner District. For the hard-of-thinking, this is where all the god-damned Lori’s diners are. People used to call it the "Theatre District" by virtue of it having some theaters in it but that’s a load, obviously, so we re-named it. There’s as many of these fucking diners there as anything else, so why the hell not? Find The LF Diner District in the triangle formed by the Sutter/Powell, Taylor/Post and Eddy/Powell intersections. And don’t complain about the service at 3am. Complain about the food.
The Finger. Perhaps the most, er, resilient part of the Greater TL, The Finger sticks out across the great frontier of Market street, penetrating deep into the bowels of SOMA, a district known for velvet ropes bars and drunken bike messengers. Primarily found along Sixth Street its boundaries are constantly flexing, curling and adjusting to the whims of the city as a hole.
Lower Russian Hill (sometimes called "Lamer Russian Hill"). This is defined as any part of Polk Street that used to be tolerable but has now been overwhelmed by certain establishments catering to a wide variety of hipsters and douchebags. Suffice to say, it has been overrun by invading Mongrel Hordes.